Crunchy White Rain
by Secera Crystalfire
Summary: My Schwarz Christmas series! Beginning with the first snowfall, this will prove to be a challenging December for the members of Schwarz... (ch. 4 now up!)
1. Crunchy White Rain

Crunchy White Rain

By Secera Crystalfire

Disclaimer: They're not mine.

Notes of the Authoress: The first chapter of my Christmas series! Yay! This is set sometime before or during the Weiss TV series. Have fun reading and don't forget to review!

It started out as a typical December morning. Nagi was asleep at the kitchen table with his head resting on his homework and a pencil behind his ear. Farfarello was in his straitjacket locked in his room. Schuldich was sprawled out on the floor in the hallway.

Brad was the only one sleeping in a bed like a normal person. But that wasn't unusual.

A sudden yelp from the kitchen dragged Bradley out of the realm of dreams. Only half-awake, he disentangled himself from the sheets and stumbled in the direction of the kitchen.

In the hallway, the Oracle's feet met with an obstacle. Two more yelps resounded throughout the house as Schuldich was jerked into reality by the sudden weight of the Oracle. As the result of his fall, Bradley ended up with a face-full of red hair. He sneezed.

"Should've seen it coming, Brad-ley," Schuldich mumbled through a mouthful of carpet.

Nagi chose that moment to dash down the hallway on his way to get dressed for school. Only his quick agility saved him from tripping over the two Schwarz members tangled on the floor. The piece of toast that followed him, however, was not so lucky. It smacked wetly into Crawford's face as the Oracle attempted to stand.

"Oi, Bradley, you should've seen that one, too." The fiery-haired German smirked as Nagi's buttery mess zoomed frantically down the hallway.

"Don't call me that," Crawford ordered, trampling Schuldich on his way to the coffee maker. He moved regally with his head held high in an attempt to retain even a slight bit of his dignity.

Schuldich was trampled a second time as Nagi raced back to the kitchen to collect his books and leave for school. After that, he decided that the hallway floor was a dangerous place to lay.

Nagi was already eight minutes late for school. He floated his books into his backpack and flung the door open telekinetically. And screeched to a halt. And stared in stunned silence at the world outside.

"Gah! …It's crunchy white rain!!"

Even Bradley, as bad of a mood as he was in, couldn't help but snort at the kid's description. "It's called snow, Naoe."

Nagi ventured a step forward. The snow was soft, fluffy…almost like a giant white blanket.

Suddenly a hand shoved Nagi forward. For the second time that morning, he yelped loudly. Lying facedown in the snow, he quickly changed his mind regarding the 'soft and fluffy' description. This stuff was nothing but cold and wet.

Nagi jumped to his feet and turned to run back inside. He collided (_bumpcrash_) with the now-closed door. "Ouch, my nose…" He reached out and grasped the doorknob and found, much to his dismay, that the door was locked. "Crawford!! …Schuldich!!! Lemme in!!"

Yes, it was very cold outside.

"You really should let him in," murmured Brad over a cup of coffee.

"Stop trying to spoil my fun," came the German's reply.

"If you're not doing anything productive, then go get Farfarello."

Schuldich sighed audibly but complied. "You won't let him in while I'm gone, will you?" He questioned on his way out of the kitchen.

Crawford just took another sip of coffee.

Nagi gave up shouting and raced around to the back door. Unfortunately, this door was locked as well. He sat down on the door step to think about his options. He couldn't go to school, he was late anyway and his clothes were completely soaked with melted snow. Hmnn…maybe the windows? And if that plan failed, he could always just break the door down with his powers. But then Crawford would demand that he pay for the door…and he didn't have any money. Too bad.

Crawford walked over to the phone and reached out to grab it. It started ringing. He picked it up and held it to his ear. "Speak."

…

…"Yes, yes I can. I'll meet you there, Sir."

He hung up with a sour expression on his face. That sour expression was quickly replaced by cool apathy as Schuldich and Farfarello walked into the room. "I'm going to meet Mr. Taketori at the office. Don't mess up the place too badly while I'm gone."

"Hai, Bradley-chan." Schuldich saluted.

"Don't call me that," Crawford growled as he opened the door to leave. He felt a sudden ominous feeling, but dismissed it negligently.

A moment later, he wished he hadn't.

Nagi was waiting with a fierce look on his turning-blue-from-cold face. Hovering behind him, poised and ready to go, was an army of snowballs.

Crawford hardly had time to register his situation before he was being pelted left and right by the telekinetic's snowballs. In the kitchen behind him, he could hear German laughter and something akin to "This hurts…" The remainder of the sentence was shut out by the snow and ice that became lodged in the Oracle's ears.

"Nagi, stop this!…Mmphhft!" After that, Crawford decided to keep his mouth shut to ward off the invading snow.

Without warning, a chunk of ice flew down the back of his shirt. That was the point at which Brad decided to forfeit the shattered remains of his dignity and run.

German laughter rang in his head and then stopped abruptly as Schuldich too became a victim of Nagi's revenge.

Several minutes later, Brad and Schu were both huddled in the bathroom waiting for the kid to catch his temper. "I have an appointment!" Brad shouted through the locked door. "You're going to regret it if I'm late!"

"Fine." Nagi conceded dejectedly. "You can come out."

Brad stood up from his seat on the edge of the bathtub and started toward the door. Schu, perched on the bathroom counter, put an arm out to stop him. "He's lying, the little bastard child."

Brad nodded and sat back down.

Elsewhere, Farfarello was having the time of his life. He'd never experienced snowdrifts in a living room before.


	2. White Lies and Black Ice

Crunchy White Rain

By Secera Crystalfire

Disclaimer: They're not mine.

Part 2: White Lies and Black Ice

The residence of Reiji Takatori was being renovated. Yes, in the middle of winter. 

Under normal circumstances this would not have been a problem. The circumstances on December 12, however, were not normal. The annual Takatori Christmas Party was approaching.

Reiji Takatori innocently pulled Crawford aside after a meeting. He then proceeded to innocently make a request while innocently reminding his number one assassin of an innocent-seeming occurrence several years back…

__

"I hope this new residence meets your expectations."

A somewhat younger Oracle smiled. "Yes, the money you gave us to buy the place is much appreciated."

"Maybe sometime I'll stop by and take a look for myself." Reiji suggested.

"Feel free to come by anytime. You bought the place for us, it's yours to do with as you please. We don't mind."

And so, the annual Takatori Christmas Party was relocated to the Schwarz residence.

After that, Bradley decided to be more careful about white lies. Even if it was just to secure his job all those years ago. 

Lying is a bad, bad thing.

"It's yours to do with as you please? _We don't mind?! _Why the hell would you even _think_ about saying that?!" Schuldich, apparently, felt that it was necessary to make Crawford feel as guilty as possible about the incident. Even though we all know that Brad never feels guilty. Schu's the guilty one.

"Like I said, I was-"

"You're so stupid! Yes, Bradley, you!"

Crawford clamped a hand over Schu's mouth to stop him from yelling. He didn't want Nagi and Farfarello to know just yet.

Do you know what this _means_?! The German's thoughts rang through the Oracle's mind. And then, Move your hand or I'll bite it.

Crawford pulled his hand back with amazing speed. "Yes," he responded, "I know what this means. Takatori clearly stated that he expects this place to be suitable for a party of all the important members of the government. Meaning a lot of cleaning and a lot of decorating. I know."

"Hell, Bradley! That's gonna take forever!"

"What's going to take forever?" Nagi poked his head around a corner.

Crawford would have buried his head in his hands and wept had he been alone. Well, maybe not quite. But after the snowball incident with Nagi he was a bit wary of the kid. Those powers were fearsome.

Nagi's wide eyes narrowed dangerously as Schu explained the incident to him, but he didn't say anything. Instead, the telekinetic sighed and walked away grumbling. Brad, senses heightened by the threat of a potentially dangerous situation, heard something about "cleaning the mess in my room" and "stupid Oracle should've foreseen this." He (Brad) growled dangerously, but the kid was already gone.

"He's probably going to tell Farf, then you'll really be sorry!"

"…Schuldich?" 

"Yes, Bradley?" responded the overly-sweet nasal voice.

"Shut up."

Farf, it would seem, was in one of his better moods when Nagi came to tell him the news (who would've guessed that Schu was right?). Instead of seeking bloody vengeance, the Irishman smiled. Just that: smiled.

Nagi didn't want to ask what he had planned.

Schuldich spent the next day trying to develop a method of squeezing what would normally fit in three closets into his one closet. He had collected an amazing amount of random clothes and other possessions over the years, and it was all spread out across his bedroom floor in what was to him a very organized manner. Everything is easily accessible when it's laid out on the floor, right? Too bad for Schu, Crawford didn't agree.

Crawford also didn't have a million and one possessions to cram into a single closet. Much to our beloved German's dismay, he made a point of pointing this out.

Multiple times.

Until Schu threatened to give him the headache of the century. After that, fearless leader decided to spend his free time somewhere else, faaaaaaar away from the irritated telepath.

Approximately noon the next day Crawford decided that it was time to put up the Christmas lights. Nagi was still in school, so it was up to the remaining three assassins to climb up onto the roof and position the strings of lights.

You'd think that being assassins would mean that the members of Schwarz would have no problem getting onto a rooftop. You'd think. But no.

In the end, Brad sent Farf to um…'adopt' a ladder from the neighbors' garage. Meanwhile, Schu was silently sulking. Well, silent to anyone who walked by. But not silent to Brad. The Oracle was getting every detail of the telepath's discomfort and irritation.

It's so cold out here, Bradley. Admit it. You're _cold_. Why is it so freezing? Don't answer that. What's taking Farf so long? I want to get done with this so we can go back inside where it's _warm_. Why can't you just let the kid do this? Are you afraid, Bradley?

"Don't call me that," an irritated voice snapped. "And no, I am _not_ afraid."

At that moment they both spotted Farfarello trudging back across the snowy lawn dragging a ladder. In his other hand was a kitten.

Crawford sighed. "What're you doing with the cat?"

"I'm keeping it." One golden eye stared defiantly at the Oracle and then softened. "What should I name her?"

"Get rid of it." Crawford demanded, taking the ladder and placing it against the wall.

"What a strange name," Schuldich murmured.

"That's not a name. I mean it, get rid of it!" Crawford grated. 

"No." Farf stated adamantly. "I won't get rid of Get rid of it. She's staying here." Ignoring Bradley's look of confused anger, Farfarello set 'Get rid of it' on his shoulder and climbed the ladder onto the roof. With a vexed look on his face, Crawford followed.

Schuldich tossed the strings of multicolored lights up to the precariously balanced assassins on the roof. They hit Farf in the back of his head. Get rid of it meowed.

A half hour later, three freezing assassins were still outside in the snow. Crawford was methodically hooking the lights to the roof while chanting Takatori shi-ne, Takatori shi-ne, Takatori shi-ne… in his head. Then he realized how the words related him to one member of Weiss, and quickly stopped.

Schu smirked despite the cold. Bradley's thoughts were always so amusing…

And then, Bradley was suddenly hit by a vision. Cold, snow, total whiteness, ice. He halted and looked around. Schu was untangling a cluster of lights and Farf was absentmindedly petting his new kitten. Everything appeared to be safe and normal. Crawford relaxed and moved forward to continue placing lights.

Bad choice.

The Oracle stepped right onto a sheet of ice covered by the snow. His feet flew out from under him and, arms swinging in wild circles, Crawford fell and began sliding swiftly down the slanted roof.

By some miracle, Crawford managed to stop himself from falling off the edge of the roof. Ignoring the sound of German laughter in his head, Brad paused a minute to catch his breath before cautiously regaining his feet. 

Before he could stand up, Brad felt something cold and wet on the side of his face. And it wasn't snow. Something cold and wet was nudging his face. He slowly turned his head toward the offending cold wetness.

It had fur and whiskers.

"Farfarello, get your _damn cat_ away from me!"

"She likes you."

Crawford reached out to grab the cat. Big mistake. First, she bit him. Second, he lost his balance and slid over the edge of the roof, cat still attached to his hand. Third, everything went white.

When Crawford came to, he was in his own room. That was good. He was wearing the same clothes, and that was also good except for the fact that they were wet from the snow. There was orange hair directly to his left. That was not good.

He jumped up to a sitting position.

"Eee, Bradley, you're awake finally." Schu was sitting cross-legged on the floor by Crawford's bed. Farfarello was sitting across from him and was holding several playing cards in his hand.

"Do you have an ace?" Farfarello asked solemnly.

"No, go fish," Schu replied. There was a pause. Then, "You have an eight. Hand it over."

"That's cheating," Crawford pointed out.

"There isn't a single sentence in the rules saying that I can't use telepathy!" Schuldich declared, taking Farf's eight.

Crawford decided not to get involved. Leaving the two to battle in his room, he walked out to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee. At the same time, Nagi walked in the door. "Who fell off the roof?" he asked with a grin.

"Nobody fell off the roof." Crawford lied without thought.

"Then what's that indentation in the snow that's shaped like an American in an cream-colored Armani suit?"

"Schu was making snow angels."

Huh? What about me and angels?

Nagi just laughed and walked down the hall towards his room.

Crawford called after him. "Nagi? I need you to finish putting the lights up."

And watch out for Get rid of it, Schu warned. She's in a strange mood. I think Bradley's hand poisoned her.

"Get rid of it?"

Farf's cat. 

AN: Adore it, despise it? Either way, I want to hear what you think! That means reviewing! Arigatou!


	3. Concerning the Edibleness of Mistletoe

Crunchy White Rain

By Secera Crystalfire

Disclaimer: I don't own them (and I doubt that I ever will).

Notes of the Authoress: Thank you to all my wonderful reviewers for the past two chapters, I appreciate your support! Have fun reading this chapter everyone!

Chapter 3: Concerning the Edible-ness of Mistletoe

Everything was finally ready. Crawford breathed a sigh of relief as he shut and locked the door to the room with the really funky wallpaper. Couldn't have anyone poking around in there, now could he?

For good measure, Brad cursed Takatori one more time for making Schwarz host the annual Takatori Christmas Party. Dammit, they were bodyguards and assassins, not party coordinators!

"Nagi?" Crawford called through the shut door as he walked past the young hacker's bedroom.

"Yes?" answered Farfarello from the other side of the door.

Brad halted. "…Farfarello? What you doing in Nagi's room?"

"I'm taking Nagi's mouse for Get rid of it." Came the muffled response from the other side of the door.

"…?" Crawford said, even though that's not saying anything.

"But it's attached to his computer and I can't figure out how to detach it…"

"…!" Crawford exclaimed just as Nagi himself rounded the corner. "Um…I need to go find Schuldich now," the Oracle stated, swiftly walking away.

"What the…" Nagi walked into his room. "Farf! Get AWAY from my computer!"

Two figures suddenly raced past Brad down the hallway.

"Give me back my-!"

"It's for my cat!"

"It doesn't work that way! Give It Back!"

"Things that don't work hurt-"

"Shut up and give me my mouse!"

"No."

"But what if-"

"No."

"But-"

"No! You are _not_ making cookies. You are _not_ making cake. You are _NOT_ making brownies or fudge or pie."

"How about cream puffs?" Schuldich grinned at Crawford with puppy-dog eyes.

"NO!"

"But Bradleeeey!"

"The last time you made popcorn the microwave exploded," Nagi reminded from his seat at the table.

"That was Farf! He stuck his paperclip collection in the microwave!"

"No cooking. We will buy the food for the party," Crawford dictated against the Schuldich's protests. The red-haired German stormed away, muttering profanities in Brad's head.

"I am going to pick up the food now." Crawford announced importantly. "Nagi, make the punch while I'm gone." He strode out the door and slammed it behind him, trying to drown out Schuldich's mental mumbling.

Nagi counted down slowly and softly, "three…two……one!"

A shout erupted from the front yard. "What the _HELL_ is my _ARMANI SUIT_ doing on a _SNOWMAN?!!!"_

Nagi didn't want to make punch. Of course, he was definitely the best candidate. He couldn't trust Schu or everyone at the party would end up drugged, and Farf…Farf making punch was just plain scary. But that didn't mean that Nagi wanted to do it. No Sir, he most definitely had better things to do.

Necessity caused Nagi to come upon a realization. It would be quite amusing if everyone at the party became intoxicated, now wouldn't it? Of course it would! Especially Crawford, and (Nagi wondered) was Weiss going to be there?

Schu-sama

Eh, koibito?

Don't call me that!

You sound like a mini Brad. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing…

You wanna make punch?

Can I spike it? Nagi could _hear_ Schuldich smirk as he asked.

He rolled his eyes. I didn't hear that.

Nagi met Schuldich striding towards the kitchen as he floated to his bedroom. The door was locked because of Farfarello's recent obsession concerning Nagi's computer's mouse, but the wide-eyed telekinetic had no problem getting in. He floated over to his desk and turned on his computer.

Farfarello walked by a minute later chewing on a clump of mistletoe.

Oh, the things Nagi had learned to get used to in Schwarz…

(AN: Isn't mistletoe poisonous or something? Ah well, Farf must have a good immune system.)

Crawford was in the middle of the canned foods aisle when a vision hit him. Something slimy, wet, and…what on Earth? A _sock drawer?_

Disoriented, he shook his head. His glasses fell and skidded across the aisle. Searching for them, he came to the conclusion that the bloody telepath was once again screwing with his mind. Schuldich was going to pay as soon the Oracle returned home. 

As soon as he found his glasses.

Finally finding them next to a stack of canned turnips, Crawford heard someone snort behind him. Rising and turning, he found himself face-to-face with the red-haired leader of Weiss.

"Having troubles?" Abyssinian asked with a smirk.

"Only troubles enduring your unwelcome presence." The American retorted apathetically.

"Whatever," Aya concluded, turning to walk away. He 'accidentally' brushed against a tower of canned kumquats. The top can slipped from the tower and just missed Crawford's head. "Oh, so sorry," the red-head drawled.

"You will be," The Oracle threatened, taking a particularly sharp (???) can of peas in his hand as a substitute weapon.

Aya swung around to face him, grabbing a can of his own. The two stood, both growling deep in their throats, involved in some sort of staring contest and waiting for the other to make the first move.

It was several minutes before either realized that a crowd had gathered around them. "Truce?" Aya mumbled.

"Truce," Crawford agreed. He walked away, taking some satisfaction in the vision of his opponent tripping over the can of kumquats that had fallen on the ground.

Owari! Make me happy and review! Arigatou!


	4. Of Kittens and Christmas Trees

Crunchy White Rain

By Secera Crystalfire

Disclaimer: As much as I wish otherwise, they aren't mine.

Notes of the Authoress: Probably the final chapter. Please, make me happy by reviewing! Merry Christmas, everyone!

Chapter 4: Of Kittens and Christmas Trees

The party was finally in progress. Surprisingly, everything had worked out all right. Even the punch tasted good, Crawford decided. Maybe he should have Nagi cook more often.

Schuldich laughed in the Oracle's mind. I don't think that the kid would agree with you. As an afterthought, he added You know Weiss is here, don't you? Don't turn around, but look under that tree behind you.

"How am I supposed to do that?" Crawford responded, forgetting that he was, in fact, standing to the right of Reiji Takatori and supposedly listening to a conversation.

"My view exactly," Reiji agreed. "It's impossible! We shouldn't…" he droned on.

Lucky, Bradley, very lucky. Schu smirked in his leader's mind. Yes, Schu can smirk telepathically. He's very talented.

Just be glad you're not expected to play bodyguard all night. God, the things I do for a bit more money…

Poor Bradley. Want me to come rescue you?

Don't call me that.

Sure, Bradley.

_I'm hearing things!_ Reiji Takatori thought to himself. _I'm going insane!_

You see, the Christmas tree seemingly had a vendetta against him. Whenever Reiji walked by or even went anywhere near it, the cursed thing would mutter "Shi-ne Takatori!" in a vengeful tone. Strange, huh?

Nagi was in the midst of making a very important decision. To try the punch, or to not try the punch? That was the question. He was certain that it had _something_ in it. Brad wouldn't approve of him drinking it. But then again, fearless leader didn't know--he himself had a glass of the orange-pink liquid in hand.

Naoe, you accuse me of trying to intoxicate the entire government in one night? You give me too much credit!

Nagi ignored the resident German and slunk away. Maybe later.

It was that moment that he came face-to-face with the blonde-haired computer specialist of Weiss. "Bombay?!"

A startled yelp "Prodigy?!" Bombay a.k.a. Omi a.k.a. Mamoru Takatori dropped the glass of punch he was holding. It splashed across the floor and splattered both of their feet. "Sorry! I didn't mean to…sorry."

"Not a problem," Nagi assured before walking away to find a new pair of shoes and socks to wear. What Omi would do, he wasn't sure. Oh well.

The young telekinetic ran into Farfarello in the hallway. Literally. The Irish man had found yet another sprig of mistletoe and was happily munching on it as Nagi was heading to his room. The distracted Naoe ran right into him.

Luckily, Farf was in one of his better moods. He let Nagi off with just a random comment: "Get rid of it's gone. Tell me if you find her."

Nagi shrugged and continued on his way, only slightly confused.

Gah! I give up! Get me away from here! Brad Crawford sent out the mental exclamation in hopes that everyone's favorite telepath would pick it up. He hated to ask for favors of anyone, but Takatori was beginning to drive him insane.

Hate to say it, Bradley, but you're already insane.

Shut up and think of an excuse to get me away from here.

Hai, koibito. But remember, you'll owe me.

Don't call me that!

"Whoa! Awesome wallpaper!" Ken was currently exploring the Schwarz residence and had broken into the room with the funky wallpaper. "It's like being in a bubble in space! Yotan, come look at this!"

"I'm coming," Yohji called out from down the hallway. He entered the room. "Gah! You're right! Schwarz lives in a bubble in space! Go get Aya."

They heard a door slam down the hallway somewhere. "I think we'd better go…" Ken said. "I don't want them to find us here." He dragged Yohji out of the room and the walked stealthily down the hallway back to the party.

Nagi pulled a spare pair of shoes out of his closet. Putting them on, he noticed a pink splotch on his white sock. Better change socks, too. He opened his sock draw.

And screamed.

For weeks after the Christmas party, people were still talking about the cat that suddenly, as is by magic, flew across the room and splashed into the bowl of punch accompanied by a boy's voice: "FARF, YOUR DAMN CAT HAD KITTENS IN MY SOCK DRAWER!!!"

Owari!


End file.
